Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Why/What/How to Read

Why

Until I was 11 years old, the television in our home was kept in the closet.  Literally.  On rare occasions, we would take a special trip to the video section of the grocery store.  My brothers and I would argue over which movie we wanted while my father made the selection without much regard for our opinion.  As adults, our individual "Top 10" movie lists remain a mix of "stuff we watched with Dad" (Tombstone, Tron) and "stuff we watched with Grandpa" (Hatari, The Quiet Man).  

We loved everything Dad selected, unless it was remotely scary.  Brother 1 (who is two minutes older than his identical twin, Brother 2) hid behind the couch for most of the time we spent watching Arachnophobia, and I was sent to hide in my room during Alligator.  My memories of family movie night are fond, but few.

Most of the time (while the television slept, quietly, out of sight) we read.  Worn-out blue bindings of The Hardy Boys were constantly being collected from garage sales for my brothers.  Boxes and boxes of The Babysitters Club (there were approximately ten bazillion titles) were given to me by friends of the family after their daughters had finished with them.  

After the Scholastic Book Fair at school each year (which was the most exciting thing to ever happen in my entire universe ever), I felt like the richest girl in the world with the inevitable, unmanageably high stack of paperbacks in my arms.  The smell of freshly printed ink and the art of bending open a paperback without creasing the cover or spine still fill me with childish glee.  

When I was sick, my mother would read Black Beauty aloud while I fell asleep.  I imagine she tired of reading the same book over and over, but it was the only thing I wanted to hear.  To this day, when I am sick I "watch" the 1994 Black Beauty movie with my eyes closed (and fall a little more in love with Allan Cumming's voice each time).

When we were young teenagers, my father read The Hobbit to my brothers and me.  His passion for storytelling came through in each carefully-rehearsed word.  He acted the part of every character as if putting on a play.  Through his bedroom door, we could hear him practicing the voice of Smaug long before we reached that section of the book.  Years later, when The Fellowship of the Ring was released, I nearly jumped out of my seat when the voice of Gollum played on screen exactly as my father had voiced it in our living room.

The other day it dawned on my that I can't remember the last time I chose to read instead of watch television.  I've drifted so far from the voracious consumer of the written word I was as child, and a desperately wish to embody her spirit once again.

What

I need your help!  

I now avoid paper materials wherever possible, so your digital recommendations in the following areas of interested would be greatly appreciated:

World News
  • Particularly sources that present multiple, opposing views of the same topics.
Science & Technology
  • Particularly sources that focus on the environment, alternative energy, and "green" technology.
Social Progress
  • Humanity, and learning to embrace it in others.
Education
  • Particularly sources that focus on making education accessible and worthwhile to every human, everywhere.
Health
  • Particularly sources that focus on mental health and lifestyle changes as both prevention and first course of treatment for disease; also non-invasive treatment and technology
Biography
  • Whether books or blogs, I am particularly interested in individuals who write from their heart.  I prefer writers who focus on their own personal lessons learned, and refrain from advising readers what/how to think, feel, or believe.
Fiction
  • Take me to a land far, far away.  Make me forget about "real" life, especially the physical limitations of the universe as we know it.  Sci-Fi and Fantasy fill my hearth with what can only be described as "mirth".

How

My Kindle Fire is my best friend, and I would like it spend more time in my hands.  Are you fond of particular apps, RSS feeds, etc?  Are there alternatives for iOS that you adore?  Tell me tell me tell me!




Thursday, September 18, 2014

Why I Walk

"Cancer was harder than I could ever have imagined," I said to Grandma as she drove me to her house from the train station.  We lost Grandpa to colon cancer several years ago.  It's been long enough that we can talk about him without crying.  Barely.  

"Cancer was heartbreaking and horrible, but nothing scares me more than Alzheimer's," I continued.  "It's selfish and ridiculous, but I'm terrified of losing my loved ones while they are still alive.  At least Grandpa still knew us.  He was still the incredible man we knew and loved, right up to the day he died."

Grandma didn't respond right away.  She had a thoughtful look about her as she reached over and patted my hand without taking her eyes off the road.  When she's quiet like this, I wonder where her thoughts have gone.  Is she remembering the day she met Grandpa, or the day she lost him?  Is she remember the years of sharing life and laughter, or the years of caring for him while he faded away?

Her voice was calm and measured when she finally spoke.  I only remember a few words. 

Memory problems.  

Doctor.  

Mini-strokes.  

Damage.  

Vascular dementia.  

Alzheimer's.  

She wrapped her fingers through mine and held my hand as she drove.  Everything is going to be fine.  I'm here.

                      

Grandma stood next to me in my parent's living room as I hugged my Grandmother for the first time in a few years.  Grandmother smiled and spoke in a friendly tone, but the embrace was not warm.  Grandma and I are very close.  Grandmother and I are not.  

As we filed in to the kitchen to serve up the buffet lunch my father had so carefully prepared, Grandmother turned to Grandma and asked, "Who is that pretty girl you brought with you?"  The whole family was silent, but they let me pretend I did not hear.  They gave me my moment to swallow, sideways, the fact that my Grandmother no longer recognized me.  I filled my plate and headed to the dining room as Grandma replied, "That's your granddaughter."

"It is?!?!  I haven't seen her in so long!  She's so beautiful!"  

Grandmother said my name.  She knew who I was...for a moment.  I stared at my plate and listened to my father talk to her as he served her lunch and led her to the dining room.  No one else spoke. 

She stood behind her chair, slowly turning an apron around in her hands and staring at it as if trying to unlock the great secrets it held.  My mother arrived quickly at her side to help put on the apron, pull out the chair, sit down, and open the napkin.  As my Grandmother sat down across from me, she smiled politely, but did not speak to me.  Whatever memory she had of me a moment ago, it was already gone.

Grandma wrapped her fingers through mine while the rest of the family ate their lunch.  Everything is going to be fine.  I'm here.

                      

I walk for my Grandmother, who can no longer care for herself physically or financially.  I walk for my Grandma, so we can have even a few extra moments together.  I walk for my parents, who need education, assistance, and support while they care for their mothers.  I walk for myself, so I remember them all.










Saturday, September 13, 2014

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,

On a different day, a good day, I would make eye contact with you.  I would smile.  I would greet you using my soft, put-any-stranger-at-ease voice.  You would talk to me.  I would try to make you laugh, and you probably would.  We might never see each other again, but I would part ways with you feeling improved by the exchange we shared.

Today, on a bad day, every fiber of my being cries out to the universe, "Please, please, please, please, please don't speak to me!"  You, dear stranger, terrify me.

"Social anxiety disorder: Also called social phobia, social anxiety disorder involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule." webmd.com

You are probably a lovely person.  I hope I meet you on a good day.

Sincerely,

Lily